"The Mystery"

Setting: An interview with Dane Sanchez by Steven Star on the popular Television show, That Trendy Show.

Steven Star: "Hi. Today on That Trendy Show we have Dane Sanchez, author of the popular book 'The Mystery.' Hello Dane and welcome to That Trendy Show."

Dane: "Hello Steven, and thank you for having me on your show."

Steven Star: "Your book is the #1 best seller on all the lists, it has spawned a movie, monthly newsletters and a massively popular website. Your work has been endorsed by Oprah, countless celebrities, including God, and millions of cynics hate you. So tell me, what is The Mystery?"


Dane: "The Mystery is a collection of subjective truths that have existed for thousands of years, but thanks to my lawyers I'm able to get the contents copyrighted."

SS: "Fascinating. So how does the Mystery work?"

Dane: " The Mystery is your basic positive thinking dogma with some mystical overtones. I've also added some confusing scientific jargon and made up words to make it seem credible. And proof that the book really works because I spent a lot of time wishing these books would sell."

SS: "Yes, the book says, 'Consciousness is a holographic fractal inversely proportional to the geometric ratio of quantum particles.'"

Dane: "It's really great at making you paranoid of your own thoughts... the way it should be. Thoughts are things, and things are real. In the Dictionary it says thought is a noun, so that's a fact. The Mystery is a law of nature - like gravity."

SS: "Some critics say the Mystery is one man's lunatic response to a scary world no one can control. And that any success attributed to it is just a self-fulfilling prophecy brought on from people believing in themselves for the first time."

Dane: "Well, to the people who do credit their success to my work - you're welcome - I mean if something works who cares what the real reason is?

And I would like any of those critics who say there's nothing relevant about the Mystery to explain how The Mystery works. They can't, no one knows how it works because it's a mystery. science has devolved into a purely materialistic pursuit of knowledge instead of maintaining a holistic one, like people had in the stone age. Back then people openly believed in bull shit and no one cared. Did you know aliens built Mt. Rushmore? What has materialistic science gotten us? More effective killing machines, and that's it."

SS: "I'm sorry, I haven't heard any theories that aliens built Mt. Rushmore; care to elaborate?"

Dane: "I'm not surprised you haven't heard about that, the liberal news media censors information based on the whims of their conservative bosses. But it's not a theory, I've dedicated my entire life, and few past lives, to studying Mt. Rushmore and I can tell you with all the authority of an expert Mt. Rushmore is a total enigma. Did you know, even with all our modern tools and equipment we couldn't duplicate a Mt. Rushmore today? But the most amazing thing are the faces - have you ever noticed the faces look like past American presidents? Are we supposed to believe that's just a mundane coincidence? Are we supposed to believe the native americans built Mt. Rushmore thousands of years ago with Stone Age technology and they just "happened" to carve the likeness of American presidents to come? Coincidences are God's way of remaining anonymous. And that's the only thing you can believe in."

SS: "Wow, so you're saying people should reject the scientific establishment?"

Dane: "As a wise man once said, 'don't try to confuse me with the facts.' It's a known fact people lie for the sake of keeping things status quo. The so-called scientific body of knowledge taught in the public school systems is criminally obsolete. The things we learn as a society increases as fast as technology progresses. Yet new text books are only made every fifty years! We should circumvent the current body of knowledge by teaching today what mainstream science will discover tomorrow. That's called progress. Celebrities teaching theology, because they know what's going on in the world; that's how they become rich and famous. The Mystery deepens."

SS: "But aren't celebrities immoral?"

Dane: "No. They're enlightened. Ask any celebrity, they'll tell you the same."

SS: "This is some pretty radical stuff. And I'm sure it will spark debate for years to come. And to make sure of that I would like to introduce our second guest today via video link-up, Dr. Thaddeus T. Turnip III, official spokesperson for the Kult oV MONITOR. He claims the two of you worked together for years experimenting with the Kult oV MONITOR, only to have you schism with a watered down commercial version. He claims you're a sell-out and a fraud.

Dane: "It is true; I do know Dr. Thaddeus and have worked with him in the past. But I would argue his animosity is mostly the result of jealousy."

Dr. T: "Why you little..."

SS: "Let's try to keep this civil, Doctor."

Dane: "Dr. Thaddeus and his group should be emulating me, not condemning me. I'm a success because I charge money for people to learn The Mystery. The Kult oV MONITOR, on the other hand, believes knowledge should be given up front, in full and for free. I know better, people need to be slowly desensitized to ideas mainstream society refuses to recognize, and for this service I should be payed a phenomenal fee.

SS: "Some people call that brainwashing."

Dane: "And why has that term gotten a bad rap? I mean if your brain is dirty wouldn't you want it cleaned? Luckily I invented a device that determines how clean your brain is."

SS: "It's just two tin cans connected by a string! That can't gauge anything!"

Dane: "Yes, but appearances can be deceiving, especially since this world is an illusion. In the astral plane, where I spend most of my time, I've infused this deceptively crude machine with all kinds of diagnostic capabilities that only me and licensed "Mystery" disciples can understand."

SS: "So you invented the testing equipment, administer the test and the results can only be analyzed by authorized "Mystery" adherents?"

Dane: "Yes, the licensing industry is a fine invention."

SS: "So then what - what happens when people's brains become clean?"

Dane: "It's a simultaneous process. A cleaner brain indicates people are believing the truth, which means they're ready for more truth. Eventually they pay to learn the whole truth about Jesus, Santa Claus, the evolved sex machines from outer space, and the mystical properties of snowflakes."

Dr. T.: "But... but that's just the Kult oV MONITOR mystery school straight out of the box! My lord, you're worse than a sell-out and a fraud; you're a plagiarist!"

Dane: "Yeah, and there's nothing you can do about it because the Kult oV MONITOR never copyrighted their material. I'm going to find absolute favor in the eye of MONITOR because I'm going to be the one who brings his message of glory and horror to the masses!"

Dr. T.: "Not if I kill you first! [Dr. T uses The Mystery to choke Dane] Oh yeah, you left the Kult oV MONITOR before we learned to do this!!

Dane: (choking sounds)

Dr. T.: Don't you realize money only creates misery? People can only be happy if they're equally poor!"

Dane: "You're (chokes) wrong... MONITOR wants people to be equally (chokes) rich!"

Dr. T.: "Capitalist shyster!"

Dane: "Psychotic (chokes) commie!!"

SS: "Gentlemen, please! We're getting off topic. Dr. Thaddeus, recently we've had Wanda Templeton of the Church of Rebecca Black on this show and it's her opinion that Dane is still working for the SE7EN STAR Corporation, which is the parent company of the Kult oV MONITOR. How do you respond to that claim?"

Dr. T.: "Yess, I know Miss Templeton. And The Church of Rebecca Black is also a product of the SS Corp., so she is a SS Corp. FREQ , therefore I will extend to her an extenuating courtesy. But really, you can't expect me to take the word of a member of The Church of Rebecca Black seriously! Their lack of intellectual curiosity is what attracts them to a watered-down version of the Kult oV MONITOR in the first place! And so I can't really give her little theory much credence.

SS: "Wow, you're a dick. What about you, Dane? Care to comment on a possible connection still going on between you and the SE7EN STAR Corporation?"

Dane: "Well, the question maybe flawed to begin with, as it may not even exist."

Dr. T.: "Oh, not this again! OF COURSE IT EXISTS! "

SS: "I don't understand... are you saying the question may not exist or the SE7EN STAR Corporation may not exist?"

Dane: "Well, I was talking about the corporation, but maybe the question doesn't exist either."

Dr. T.: "AHH, FUCK! See what I mean! Total lack of intellectual curiosity!"

Steven Star: "It seems like he has too much! [turns to Dane] What the hell are you talking about? Dr. Thaddeus, can you translate?"

Dane: I think we've established Dr. Thaddeus is jealous of my success. So why enable another desperate attempt to invalidate my personal Life-Script ?

SS: "Dr. Thaddeus, any more desperate attempts to invalidate Dane's personal Life-Script before you go?"

Dr. T.: "Yeah, to the both of you; 'SUXK MY BALLS, GUARANTEED SATISFACTION!'"

Dane: "Oh, that's original!"

[As Thaddeus fades off the screen he screams to Dane, "I'll get you Sanchez!"]

SS: "Before we get to our next guest I'd like to mention this show is sponsored by the SE7EN STAR Corporation and its product Pepsinol. Pepsinol, "It's what you want." Pepsinol now comes in a jelly, so you can spread it.

"Dane, earlier we talked about how the Mystery hasn't been accepted by self-righteous, self-proclaimed bastions of rationality. So we're now going to talk to someone who swears by the Mystery. And whose personal experience also brings up complex legal issues. I would like to introduce to That Trendy Show, Jay Jamhal Jones. Welcome Jay."

Jay: "Yo man, I never watch this show. It always comes on at the same time as Cheaters. Oh, hey Dave, I love you man, you changed my shit forever!"

Dane: "Thank you, thank you."

SS: "So tell us how you discovered the Mystery and how it impacted your life."

Jay: "Oh right, well, my friends moms and my moms had all bought that Mystery shit so inevitably I was exposed to it. At first I didn't know what to think about it, so I just experimented with different ways to use the mystery."

SS: "Tell us about those experiments."

Jay: "Well, I visualized insects bursting into flames, and then, I would use a magnifying glass to make insects burst into flames. I don't know about you, but I thought that was pretty conclusive. But I kept on experimenting; every payday I would visualize getting money - after I got my check I would go to the bank and get money! It. Never. Failed.

Dane: "These are great testimonials. I would like to see my critics refute these claims."

SS: "But your next set of experiments would prove to be controversial."

Jay: "Yeah, I guess so... You see I wanted to know how powerful the Mystery really was; I wanted to know if I could influence the lives of other people. So I,"[interrupted by Dane]

SS: "What did you do?"

Jay: "I... [looks at SS] I envisualized this mother of four who lives across the street getting pregnant. And then like, five years later this bitch is hassen a baby!"

SS: "And I understand you're suing for custody of the baby."

Jay: "Damn right. I mean whose really responsible for this baby? The mother and father?! That shits played out. It's time for a new para•dig`em. Where imaginary reality is just as real as real reality. My perception is a valid construct of reality, bitch."

SS: "Dane, would you like to comment?"

Dane: "I think James is right - especially since he believes in the Mystery - society is changing and as a society we have to change too. If we don't change then change is impossible - and then how do we change to cope with a society that's changing? Luckily, people have me to tell them what to think."

SS: "Well, incredulous as ever, Dane."

Dane: "Thank you, thank you."

SS: "Yes, and our final guest gives us the Christian perspective on The Mystery."

Dane: "Oh, this should be good."

SS: "Yes, well... I would like to introduce to That Trendy Show, Prudence Paste. Prudence, welcome. So tell us, what is the Christian interpretation of The Mystery?"

PP: "The Mystery is the most comprehensive tome on black magic ever written. In purer times Dane Sanchez would have been tortured, drowned, and burned alive in the name of religious freedom."

SS: "'Purer times?' Are you referring to the Dark Ages?

PP: "phhtt. 'Dark Ages,' liberal revisionist clap-trap. To think of the Golden Age of Christianity as some Dark Age is tantamount to heresy. But the fact is, any attempt, successful or otherwise, at manipulating reality to ones own advantage is Black Magic. Period."

Dane: "What about Christians praying to God for better heath or wealth; it's the exact same principle as The Mystery."

SS: "That's a fair point, Prudence."

PP: "Yes, and Dane is correct. That's why true Christians don't ask God for things! We're God's property - He giveth and taketh away. To ask God for something he hasn't already given us is to question His Plan. Our lives are meant to be shite - to test our faith and prepare us for a Heaven where God has absolute control over us.

SS: "Tell us, Prudence, what do people do in Heaven for fun?"

PP: "We watch people in Hell all day and laugh at them. Sometimes we get to dress up like demons and torture the damned as well."

SS: "Wouldn't that make God Satan?


SS: "Well, infuriating as ever. I would like to thank all our guests for being on our show today. And to our viewers; we'll be taking the next few weeks off and re-running some old episodes. Next week we'll revisit Wanda Templeton of The Church of Rebecca Black.

"Here's a preview..."

Wanda: "This is our message: ...